me: brush your teeth
my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth
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1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*
Me: Why is she so loud?
Wife: That’s how she talks.
Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.
When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:
Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?
[playing the board game Guess Who]
Me: Is your person handsome?
5-year-old: No, they look like you.
cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
cop: what
me: what
If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone
as a millennial dad I’ve never not been Too Online so I know the best combination of buzzwords to maximize being annoying to my tween; she got a meatball sub for lunch and I said “oh she in her marinara era for real” and the eye roll could have powered our house for a year
You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.
[electric chair]
“Any requests for your final minutes?”
“Yeh, I want the last episode of Lost explained.”
*acquitted on a technicality
I was applying for homeowners insurance today and they asked if I had any pets to which I said, “yes, two cats.” And then they asked me “have they been trained to attack or cause bodily harm?” and I wanted to know if anyone had been able to do this because I’ll hire you
STAYING HOME DAY 1: I should create a schedule to give my life structure.
DAY 9: I wonder what photosynthesis tastes like to trees.
If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn’t leave any cash, just a note that says I’VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH
Just got to our Airbnb!
Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
School be like
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted
My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.
[during sex]
her: do you want to try a new position?
me: ok, ringo really carried the beatles
her: what
me: hufflepuffs are superior to gryffindors
her: stop
Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.
I could have been a monk but I missed my chants
Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*
her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry
– me taking a joke
Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked 10 minutes later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.
Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]
A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.
what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”
Leave ‘em wanting more. That’s what I always