When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.
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poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out
Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”
Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.
9yo: My least favorite letter is “c” because it’s not fair that it can be an “s” or “k” sound.
Me:
9yo:
Me: Can I go back to sleep now?
What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.
Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!
Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.
*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking
Took away all my son’s electronic privileges, and now he’s so bored he’s given me 35 hugs.
May take them away tomorrow too.
What if all the cashiers are married?
the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter
when you were a kid did the kids tv programmes do this thing where they hit people with a “custard pie” but the “pie” was clearly just a paper plate with a little bit of foam on it, as though we were stupid. As though we could not perceive their dishonour
In honor of the birthday of Noriyuki ‘Pat’ Morita, today I shall find a kid getting bullied and teach him Karate by having him fix my car and house.
Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire
[in bed]
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don’t wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law
*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward
I just realized I’m back working retail during the holiday season which means I will inevitably make many people angry when I tell them “Happy holidays!”
HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump
ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen
Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!
Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
why is putting on shoes so embarrassing i always end up sat on someone’s hallway floor fighting for my life as they’re trying to say goodbye to me
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
[About to invent coffee]
Guy: I’m gonna squeeze that bean so hard
Friend: You okay Greg?
[date started at 9 pm]
[9:30 pm] Her: I love long awkward silences.
[10:20 pm] Me: Me too.
Me: [pokes Bruce Banner with a stick] why aren’t you angry? What’s your secret?
Dr. Bruce Banner: my secret? I’m always angry.
Me: Hi Always Angry! I’m Dad
The Incredible Hulk: are you happy now?
Me: no, I’m Dad
Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.
Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.
In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.
I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel