Me: Loving this juice cleanse.
Wife: That’s sangria.
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ME: *drinks protein shake* Am I gonna be ripped now?
BF: No, that’s not how it—
ME: *trapped under recliner I just tried to lift* Help
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.
[caught getting last piece of pie out of fridge]
And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that meddling open door beep!
“ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“RE-ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“ERROR. PASSWORDS MUST BE IDENTICAL”.
Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.
Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!
I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.
“Welcome to Fight Club,” said the man with the rock hard abs. I looked around, clutching my kite, becoming worried.
My grandma used to read me the Bible before bed and then switched to a book about the Wright Brothers without telling me, so I thought airplanes were in the Bible til I was like, 15.
We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.
Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”
Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you’ll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.
Review for this new shatter I just tried:
Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.
(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing
I have the bruises of a much more active person.
when i was little, a friend’s mom snapped at me and asked if i was medicated. when i said no she was like, “well, you should be!” and if i saw that woman today, i’d look her right in her mean face and say, “damn, brenda, you straight up called that one.”
*aliens land in America*
Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!
Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…
Someone in my neighborhood is unsuccessfully trying to throw away a garbage can. Week 1, taped paper note on it. Week 2, spray-painted huge note on it. Week 3, still spray-painted, added paper note back, and laid it sideways on top of other garbage bags. I’ll keep you posted.
my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call
I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.
*gets served divorce papers during the reception*
Kindergartners almost have the best gossip, like my son told me that one of his friends brought EIGHT Oreos for a snack at school but he couldn’t remember the kid’s name
Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf
When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.
Me: I can’t seem to lose weight
CW: Have you tried cutting back on your sugar intake
Me:*stirring coffee with snickers bar* What do you mean
My husband has blocked the sink!!!!
.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!