I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.
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[interrogation]
“Where were u on the nite of the 5th?”
Stabbing a guy.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie.
Her: Could you dim the lights?
Me: [thinking it’s sexy time] Oh yeah.
Her: Thank you. *begins slide show* The title of this presentation is “Things About You That Need Improving.” Please save your questions for the end.
If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.
over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: treat her like she’s the only one in the room
{ later at party }
man: does anyone know cpr?! this woman is DYING
me: [steps over them] hello, beautiful
me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that
*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”
Betty White improvising on the spot while Bea Arthur and Rue McClanahan crack up laughing is the only thing you need to watch today.
Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
I just watched a squirrel bury a nut in my front yard. I’m going to dig it up and replace it with a Cadbury egg.
That’ll blow his Lil mind
[inside fighter jet]
I hate this cd
“change it”
how?
“press eject”
ok
[nothing funny or unexpected happens because they are trained pilots]
National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?
Overheard my girls discussing how they each want 6 kids someday and “Mom will help!” so this is when I start planning my future island bartending life.
I believe the children are our future.
But my 3-year-old finished his juice & then got mad because he thought someone else finished his juice, so that future might be in trouble.
Doctor: “I need to draw some blood.”
Me: “Okay.”
Doctor: “Do you have a red crayon I could borrow?”
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
Shy girl has a crush on shy boy.Shy boy has a crush on shy girl.Neither of them say anything.They both do a lot of homework.#VeryRealisticYA
been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.
when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in
My wife sends me home improvement TikToks and says these projects “would be so easy” for me to do so I started sending her the elaborate “simple” cooking ones and now we’ve reached an uncomfortable truce.
me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
date:
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth
Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?
-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper
HER: I love classic rock
ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon
She complained to me that she found her boyfriend’s picture on a dating sight then got mad at me for asking why she was on the site. I should never answer my phone pre coffee.
‘I’ve been published!”
My wife: Calm down you wrote an Amazon review.
Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.
All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.
If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you
Just went to get coffee in the break room and the pot was empty. So now, I have to wait for someone else make another pot. Such bullshit.
Me: okay yeah, cool Wu Tang shirt bro, bet you can’t even name one song.
6 month old baby: ……..