“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”
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There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
I made a resolution to eat better and exercise in the new year but didn’t specify which year I was referring to.
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
It’s frankly disgusting that it’s illegal to be an accessory/accomplice. It should never be a crime to be supportive of a friend
my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.
This was a terrible day, I’m having live grenades for dinner.
request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty
my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.
Your honor these allegations are
MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked
nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.
[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP
I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.
God I hate kids.
And people.
And animals.
And sardines.
And stuff that’s alive.
And stuff that’s dead.
I hate stuff.
I like cheese.
i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
Dad law states that you can use your kids’ piggy bank money to pay the ice cream truck. Especially when your wife and kids aren’t home.
Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
Very suspicious that this keeps happening
Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.
When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.
“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall
“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.
NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
Check out @funTweeters. Laughing until I was crying!