I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming
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*draws a line in the sand*
*looks at the line in the sand*
*decides that it might be time to vacuum*
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
“My safe word was Worcestershire.”
— A ghost
What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists
If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’
Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?
Me: is that on Netflix?
I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips
Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.
Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.
Me: So, what are your thoughts?
Therapist: Well, I think you may have some boundary issues.
Me: [In his lap] Are you saying I’m fat?!
BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*
“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.
Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.
In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.
You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also
We are not the sane
What’s your favorite position?
Me: sleeping
When you’re firing off drunk texts & you see the 3 dots
Cop: Could I have your name?
Me: Well, you could, but it would be an incredible coincidence.
*Send Bail Money*
“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us
I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.
I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”
Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later
I just got a Facebook invite to my brother’s non-alcoholic Mormon wedding.
I dunno which part of that sentence makes me want to cry more.
JOSEPH: oh thank god you’re here
MARY: did you bring the diapers blankets and formula
WISE MAN: no i brought myrrh
I accidentally made eye contact with someone on a zoom meeting. I quickly looked away dripping in discomfort. Then I remembered it was zoom and we didn’t make eye contact at all, she looked at her camera.
At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up