Stranger: Twitter is awful.
Me: It really isn’t most people are nice.
Stranger: But there are bad people…
Me: Sure, I just block them.
Stranger: See…there…you can’t do that in RL.
Me: Yes, you can….watch….(walks away from them).
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Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the worlds largest bed sheet. More on that as it unfolds.
[at a fall festival]
Him: you look gourdgeous
Me: *roll my eyes and grab my keys to go*
Him: please don’t leaf
I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.
I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
[boss finds pics of me snowboarding]
“You missed work bc you said you were sick…& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING”
*fist bump*
Every muscle in my back is sore. Hurt it at the gym? Chopping wood? Helping move a refrigerator? Nope. Sneezing.
The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15
Me: Go get everyone for dinner please
6: (SCREAMS) EVERYBODY DINNER!
Me: I meant go walk and get them
6: But I like using my mommy voice
Me:
6: The screaming
Me: I got it
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.
Just saw a horse drawn cart. Wasn’t a very good cart. Horses are terrible artists.
I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter
idk flipping houses looks really hard
Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.
Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked
The dogs are drawn by their screams.
ME: I’ll have the pasta with mushroom, aka the fungus of the woods.
DATE: You know when you say it like that it’s not very appetizing.
ME: Oh, sorry! I’ll have the shrimp instead, aka the cockroach of the sea.
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
Terrifying if taken literally – if these walls could talk.
My 6yo told me that I couldn’t go past him into the living room unless I told him the secret code which he said was a bathroom word. So I said “a bathroom word” and he didn’t let me in.
Stop being friends with whoever says you can’t twerk to Led Zeppelin.
You don’t need that negativity in your life.
Google. Filling the gaps in public education.
[interrogation]
ME: I’ll only answer questions if that officer over there starts kissing my face
COP: Again, the police dog isn’t an officer
Thinking about crashing people’s romantic dinner and screaming “Who is she?”
After stressing and exhausting myself over making Christmas magic, I remembered my children are the real magic of Christmas.
Oh wait I made them too.
It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.
My little sister did homework for a kid in her school because he promised to pay her $30 but after she finished it for him he told her that he wasn’t gonna pay her so she just sent him a picture of an email draft addressed to him and his teacher and just says “what about now”
I’m no expert but a Brazilian sounds like a whole lot of bras
replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty