The gym is completely deserted. It’s normally packed on January 1st. Is it finally the year we all give up? Why didn’t someone tell me? I jogged here.
You Might Also Like
The best thing people can do in a bear attack is break down emotional barriers.
Convince the bear she’s loved and has value.
Compliment her commitment to her cubs.
“Raising kids AND hunting? How do u find the time?” is a fantastic ice breaker.
I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.
Murphy’s Law – If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Cole’s Law – shredded cabbage in mayo
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA VALUE YOUR FRIENDSHIP TOO MUCH TO RUIN IT WITH SEX. SURE, YOU’RE ATTRACTIVE, THEY JUST DON’T SEE YOU IN THAT WAY
I’d like to thank the people who buy the gift bags. Because of you, I have never had to buy a gift bag. Thank you, from the bottom of my large gift bag filled with smaller gift bags.
Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?
[Freddy Krueger comes to kill me in my nightmare]
Me: OMG I can’t believe I’m actually sleeping.
“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”
Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.
Joined a band called The Upholsterers. We do Furniture covers.
(first day at law school)
Me: When do we learn about the law of gravity?
Prof: We don’t.
Me: This is BULLSHIT.
*flips table*
*table floats up to ceiling*
{first date}
HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?
I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.
It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
Me: Just so you know, I’m DTF right now.
Wife: I don’t know what “DTF” means.
Me: Take a guess.
Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?
Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.
ME: Why does my stomach hurt?
WebMD: Because of that Ouija board you messed with in the fourth grade, probably.
(burglar breaks into my house)
me: Reginald, kill!
pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*
My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.
Bacon causes cancer.
Canadian bacon apologizes.
Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.
Shepherd: I got ewe babe.
How you can tell a writer has no siblings:
“Hey, little bro / little sis.“
How you can tell a writer has siblings:
“Hey, loser. Mom called.”
Why?
How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight
Related – I never babysit
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
I’m working from home. But as a bartender.
Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?
Me:
Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table
[At the gym]
My body: WTF
Me: I know
Body: I thought we were done with this bullshit?
Me: No, this is how it is from now on.
Body: *charley horse*
Me: Well played, bitch… well played