[harry potter at an interview]
interviewer: it says here you found & destroyed seven horcuxes
harry: that’s correct, sir
interviewer: but no experience creating a powerpoint presentation, wow
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Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress
Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.
Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
Me and kiddo listening to music in car:
In a crowd of strangers and lovers 🎶
Him: Mom what’s a lover?
Me: Just when people love each other, you can call them your lover*20 min later at the grocery store*
Him to a complete stranger: Did you know we’re lovers?
Stranger:😳
omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.
Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me
here go my impression of dealing with any client in any capacity ever
CLIENT: how much do u charge?
YOU: its 1 dollar per glorf
CLIENT: oh thats very reasonable. ok i have 3 glorfs. so how much is that?
YOU: 3 dollars
CLIENT: WHY SO MUCH????
NOW I AM CALLING THE POLICE!!
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
Cop: I’m going in, cover me!
Me:*speed knits blanket*
Unsure if you want kids or not? My son told me he throws the grapes that “look funny” behind the couch and I just found his secret pile of rotting fruit.
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
No I won’t be attending your seance, I barely want to talk to the living
“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
every city has a “guy” they all know about. you can visit a friend in their town and see a man dressed in robes, riding a horse & your friend will go “oh yeah haha that’s horseback jesus” and then that’s just the end of the explanation.
I hate when I’m pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don’t kill me while i’m pooping..
My new lady Dr just flirted with me. Bit her bottom lip and told me I’m too sweet.
*Her exact words were “severely diabetic,” but I know how to read the signs.
coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them
i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.
Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.
Avoid extra tasks by throwing distraction doughnuts at work
Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.
They say it takes a village to raise a child, but they never tell me which village or how to reach them.
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself
I know karate and tons of other words.
I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…
Don’t You (Forget About Me) is my favorite song about laundry I left in the washing machine.