I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.
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People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?
If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.
Doctors just told me I have “stripper lung” from inhaling too much brass polish & if I go back to “JIGGLERS” again I’ll die.
Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?
*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*
“I think we should-”
Kiss under the moonlight? omg we finish each other’s sentences!
Hairdresser: was gonna say trim the sides a bit shorter
think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
I have three brothers but to keep dad on his toes only a couple of us got in trouble at a time.
Executioners flirting:
You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!
If the apocalypse was happening the news would have some sort of tracker for it and multiple experts in studio debating about whether it was good or not.
*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”
Jaws 2 (1978): after the sudden death of his father, a young shark is forced to take over the family business in a seaside resort.
Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there
I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them
I have accidentally eaten the lil paper flag on the Hershey’s kiss more times than I’m comfortable with this holiday season
This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain
No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon
Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.
(At Kentucky Derby)
ME: I’d like to enter my horse for the race.
EMPLOYEE: Sir, that’s a cheetah.
ME: *slyly passes him a burrito* Or is it?
I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
Overheard, my kids-
7: did you know when you’re older you’ll have boobies like mummy?
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3: don’t be silly, when I’m older I’ll be a panda
I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.
*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*
Vet: Hahaha look at this idiot, forgetting to bring his pet to the vet, get him on the wall of shame!
Me: 🙁
My chameleon: 🙂
I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot
A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.
There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.
Wanna see awkward?
Hand me a baby.
every year on st. paddy’s my mom would give us each a cabbage leaf and we would wear them on our heads like a little hat while we ate our corned beef. i thought this was a thing all irish people did but it turns out my mom just thought it was funny. found out in college.
Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there