“Pick up some electrician from the market. I’m having problems with AC again.”—married sext
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I struggle against the ropes binding me, catching the scent of gas. “You’ll die too,” I say.
“9 lives,” my cat whispers, lighting a match.
Products that are really small are like free samples, right?
Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.
[About to have sex]
Girl: Do you have a condom?Me: Yeah
*bird screaching*
Girl: I said condom not condor
Me: *taking condom from bird’s beak* Good boy Rory.
Girl:
Me: Don’t you feel stupid now?
Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?
[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]
“May I have this dance?”
[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]
They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.
Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.
RT to cosign.
[Snake family queueing to get on the train]
[They spot Samuel L Jackson already on board]
SNAKE DAD: Not this shit again.
Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy
Where it all went wrong
Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.
Her: Is that what you want?
Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.
I heard a girl at the bar last night drunkenly ask the bartender “what’s the closest drink you guys have to a chicken nugget.”
After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
My husband bought me a holiday throw pillow after complaining that we have too many throw pillows. He said “Holiday pillows don’t count because they’re temporary.”
I don’t think he understands the floodgate he just opened.
I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard
In case you’re wondering how sadistic toddlers are, my 3yo just bit into a hard boiled egg and was upset that there wasn’t a baby in it.
[1907. the first convenience store opens]
GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn
This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead
Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.
Kylie Jenner is having a Handmaids Tale themed birthday party and Justin Bieber wants to fight Tom Cruise and boy howdy is that meteor late
Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.
Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms?
Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks*
*Spends night making balloon animals
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved
You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet
INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?
ME: No I haven’t
Told my husband I was thinking about getting a tattoo and asked him if he had any suggestions. He just stared at me and said, “I don’t even know you anymore.”
What a stupid idea for a tattoo.
Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.
I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.