I don’t mind saying: this last year has been tough on me and the other cult members. Doing goat sacrifices on zoom just wasn’t the same.
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*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats
Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.
I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.
What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist
[Couple saying their vows in church]
ME *stands up* I know why these two should not be wed. SHE’S ALREADY MARRIED!
EVERYONE *gasps*
ME: AND SO IS HE!
EVERYONE *gasps*
COUPLE: Yeah we’re renewing our vows
ME *sits down* I did not know that
Absence didn’t work what else ya got?
Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs
Me *has read one book all year*
Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books
Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?
Me: Let me ask my mom
Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!
Me: She said no
If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy
As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
frozen.
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
FitFam?
I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.
Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.
[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I’m not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don’t like you.
I, for one, like it when blackberry seeds get stuck in my teeth at breakfast. Gives me little mouth missions to accomplish throughout the day.
I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.
Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.
12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you’re handsome.
Me: Aww. That’s cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?
a fun prank is when ur friemd about to sit in a chair u pul the chair out from under them and replace it w/ a fancier mor comfortabal chair
The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.
Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.
Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should’ve tried harder
Ancient Man “let’s form a partnership”
Wolves “I dunno. We saw what you do to cows”
Man “Haha, you can trust us” *hides sketch of chihuahua*
Getting my hair done Monday.
Good news for the kids who scream “WITCH” as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.
Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly
yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy.
Surgeon: I’m not putting your wisdom teeth back in.