“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa
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me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead Linda
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…
it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…
My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.
[CPR dummy coming home from work]
WIFE: is that lipstick on your face? who’s been *does the air quotes gesture* ‘resuscitating’ you today huh?
DUMMY: for the last time Carol it’s my job
My date spent all night telling me that she loved Bad Boys – Then seemed disappointed when we got back to mine and I put the DVD on.
[restaurant]
WAITRESS: Would you like a lunch menu or a dinner menu?
ME: No thanks. I don’t eat menus.
Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?
Idk why but I get so much joy out of responding to phone scammers with the most dire and preposterous situations
“Sir… your family is dead. APRIL FOOLS!!!! Kidding!!! Your son made it! He’s in a coma! OMG You shoulda seen your face!”
– Worst ER doc
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.
[Grandma’s funeral]
(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin
The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.
“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have
“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.
Government Shutdown: Day Three
Jellystone Park still closed.
Still no pic-a-nic baskets.
Yogi stares at Boo-Boo…
Boo-Boo looks tasty.
me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
wife: no
me: no
Are black guys the ones with big dicks?
Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.
Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then
I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.
Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day
People at Costco really need to be less sensitive
I cleaned out my teen’s room and I found 8 plates, 21 utensils, a TV remote, 8 chapsticks, a burner phone and apparently we have a cat.
It’s a plant shaped like an egg.
EGGPLANT!
It’s a place where we make fire.
FIREPLACE!
Diving in the sky.
SKYDIVING!Humans are creative.
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
HERE GO MY IMPRESSION OF COMEDY SPECIALS:
JOEY TRUTHBOMBS – “TELLIN IT LIKE IT IS”