I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.
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i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone
“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor
Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”
[4 hours later]
Tyler Durden: And the 351st rule of Fight Club is you absolutely CANNOT substitute baking powder with baking soda when making pancakes
One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.
Snacking on regular m&m’s and peanuts because I refuse to have my chocolate to peanut ratio dictated by some big corporation
I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.
I just want a woman to look at me the same way my cat does when I’m eating a piece of chicken.
*detective bangs on table*
I SAID GIVE ME A NAME!
“Uh, Aaron?”
Aaron… I like it!
*’Aaron’ leaves interrogation room, ready for a new life*
Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care most about
batman [through gritted teeth]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they’re covering up
My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.
Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.
My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.
I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.
Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.
please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,
Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind
ME: Happy Valentine’s Day! Enjoy these chocolates.
HER: Ugh, these are all coconut. Did you get me anything else?
ME: *awkwardly hands her a bouquet of coconuts*
Is fructose made with real fruct?
The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
smh
“Jesus take the wheel!” I shout, but Jesus decided to pop out of the sunroof firing a machine gun at our pursuers instead.
A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”
My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.
Sandal was upset at the vet yesterday, because nothing bad has ever happened to him so he thinks being weighed is a war crime, and the technician kept trying to soothe him by saying ” awww, pobrecita chancleta” (literally, “poor little flip-flop”). he’s never living this down
Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.
There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to