ME: Don’t you see, the treasure is our friendship
PIRATE: …Aye
ME: 😊
P: I cherish ya me matey but honestly ya misled me a tad didn’t ya
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8yo: You’re annoying me!
10yo: No, you’re annoying me!
Me: Guys, guys, guys. You’re both annoying me.
I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”
My coworkers are trying to talk me into doing a Polar Plunge. If I want to be doused into freezing cold water I’ll just have someone flush while I’m taking a shower.
DATING TIP: OFFER THEM WATER. PUT 2 STRAWS IN.
ROMANTIC WATER.
Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…
Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots
No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.
1920’s: Women were fighting for equality and the poor were suffering while the rich prospered at their expense.
2020’s: Women are fighting for equality and the poor are suffering while the rich prosper at their expense but we have the Internet now.
My life coach: So what would you like to see happen this year?
Me: Kangaroos being allowed to fight in the UFC
Life coach: I will literally pay you to not come here anymore.
the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum
Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended
I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”
Which wines pair best with gloating?
I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.
Him: do you have a pen?
Me: yes. (walks away)
just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
[job interview]
Him: Do you use drugs or alcohol?
Me: No.
Him: What’s your salary requirement?
Me: To be able to afford drugs & alcohol.
I don’t need armpits that smell like fruit salad or “sexy intrigue”. I exude that naturally.
The fruit salad smell. Not the sexy intrigue.
speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food
I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”
Goblin adventurer whose catchphrase is “no goblemo”
I woke up with tons of motivation to go back to sleep.
It’s getting Hot In Herre, so take off all your clothes! Also, drink this water because I don’t want you to get dehydrated.
-Nervous Nelly
Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend
Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars – might recommend.*
*mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can
Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
uncle ben: remember pete, with great power comes great responsibility
peter parker: you’re right i should stop crimes with my webs
uncle ben (scared): ok.
Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another
I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.
robber: give me your wallet
me: do your thing patricia
girl im on a date with who’s profile said she enjoys karaoke but I read it as karate: what?