Me:*typing furiously* I’ve bypassed the firewall and I’m hacking into the mainframe now
Arby’s customer: So is my order placed or not
Me: No
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I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.
I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.
*aliens land in America*
Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!
Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
origin story of all Disney villains:
“omg if I hear ONE more person singing today-“
Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”My oldest bra can smoke now.
[roommate watching me get ready]
dont take that with you
“why not”
why would you
“it’ll be fine”
[hour into date and I spill my bag of ants]
My girlfriend has started pronouncing the word “pedant” “pendant” as a kind of accusation, taunting me, daring me to say something
What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?
Me: You are not going to believe this…
Priest: Your confessions will always be belived, my child
Me: There is no toilet paper over here.
I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.
I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.
*deletes my ex’s phone number*
k, weigh me now.
Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment
WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes
I dont mean to sound racist, but why is my baby black?
*doctor sighs for like 3 mins*
“Sir, its an ultrasound”
*Seinfeld bass riff for days*
I’m “My dog gets in the pool more than anyone else in the family” years old.
I don’t give a damn what the horoscopes say, get you a girl born in February. Amethyst is one of the cheaper birthstones and if you play your cards right you can do one of those Birthday-Valentine’s Day combo celebrations.
me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store
florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter
Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.
Even when food is heaven on Earth
my husband adds hot sauce till it tastes like satan.
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
wife: what’s wrong?
slug: boss said I work slowly.
wife: he’s harsh. take it with a grain of-
slug: TAKE IT WITH A GRAIN OF WHAT, DIANE?
[Buzzfeed for Cats]
6 THINGS THAT WILL MAKE U BOLT FROM THE ROOM
-Vacuum cleaner
-Walls
-The floor
-Air
-Yourself
-Nothing. Nothing at all
just stood up and my knee popped so loudly my neighbor’s dog barked in case Marvel or DC is looking for a new superhero franchise
“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate
Welcome to your 40’s. Right after you’re done peeing, you feel like you need to pee.
My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog