my wife: “we should go to that buffet where you slipped on fettuccine alfredo you spilled while running to the cheese fountain”
me: “you’ll have to be more specific”
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Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.
This will never not be funny to me.
I’m so awkward I visited a new doctor today and when they came in I literally said “Those are some nice shoes”. I have to find another doctor already.
If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to
“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.
Am I a bad navigator? Well off course
you can talk about any topic for 30 mins if you’re a confident liar
If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]
fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO
[Gameshow]
Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
Host: “Correct!”
*crowd goes nuts*
Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears
Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.
Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
her: your costume is highly inappropriate
me: oh relax, it’s not like it’s a “sexy” hot dog suit haha
her: well, regardless it’s time for you to give the eulogy
You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.
A new study shows that drinking two to three coffees a day can lower the risk of heart problems. Because who has time for heart problems when they have constant daytime stress diarrhea?
I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.
Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
Batman: Damn! Someone needs me!
Date: That’s not the bat signal!
Batman:
Date:You’re just doing shadow puppettry on the wall with your hands
[Spelling bee]
Judge: “Your word is unhelpful.”
Kid: “Can you use it in a sentence please?”
Judge: “Nope.”
Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”
❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away
I’m not saying motorcycles are dangerous, but the motorcycle section on Craigslist also has a lot of electric wheelchairs for sale.
Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.
I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.
him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery
me: gotcha
[later]
me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*
Me: The house is clean!
Kid: Hold my juice box!
Check for bed bugs by yelling “Gee, I’m so happy there are no bed bugs here!”, and if you hear faint giggling, set the bed on fire.