My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.
You Might Also Like
If you eat a pot brownie and a Ken doll, you’ll poop a Matthew McConaughey.
Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.
(filming reality TV show)
him: we’re out here looking for Bigfoot
me: so a guy with just one foot?
him: no, an ape-type creature
me: gotcha. a big hairy guy. with one foot
him: he has 2 feet
me: why isn’t he called BigFeet then?
him: get out
Girls complain about guys using them for sex, but sex is awesome! Start bitching when he uses you for laundry, or as a human shield.
WIFE: honey?
ME: yes dear
WIFE: did something hit the car
ME: yes deer
WIFE: do you know what it was
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it an animal
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it a rabbit
ME: no deer
I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.
all my demons came for free. these must be organic.
I love when kids are like “Ah ya gaba boo ma beeba” and their parents are like, “yes that’s right liam we DID have so much fun in New Hampshire last Fourth of July!”
Uber: *text* It’s your Uber driver. I’m outside of the bank
Me:*texting back* Nobody move! Put the money in the bag!
Uber: What?
Me: Lol srry had talk to text on. Be right out
i lost my sunglasses in the laundry a couple days ago & asked the super to keep an eye out. today he found them & told me in detail exactly what happened: “i saw the security video. you were eating a bag of chips & they fell off when you tilted your head back to finish the bag”
It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday
No matter how many times he was killed by their products, Wile E Coyote remained loyal to the ACME brand. You’ve gotta respect that.
When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.
[jazz club]
date: I love the sound of double bass
me: [sexily] bass bass
Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us
Me: Like Spanx
[someone is rude to me online]
It’s really not worth getting upset over this[someone is rude to my friend online]
Well, I guess I gotta make some stranger cry today
[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP
The sign at the pool says,
Children Under 12 Require Supervision.I guess anyone over 12 is allowed in with only normal eyesight.
[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]
“Say ur a bad girl”
I’m a bad girl
“oooh yeah, and tell me what bad girls do…”
ooh i’m gonna sign up for 3 months of yoga and only go twice
Toddler cupping his hands around my ear: Pss shh tsk whhh shiii pstsh tssskp.
Me: You know whispering is still saying real words, but just really quietly, right?
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
I was arrested last Halloween. Apparently it’s illegal to chase someone yelling, Touch me! Even if they are dressed as the Grim Reaper.
It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.
America: Japanese ads are extremely weird
Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*
Wife: our house is a mess, we should throw some stuff out. I’ll start with the bedr-
Me: DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH MY BED RUM!
SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too
hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?
I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….