I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.
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HEY JUST BECAUSE YOU HAD A KID DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STOP POSTING PICTURES OF YOUR DOG
Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.
TO MY SECRET ADMIRER: thank u for the flowers!! You accidentally had them sent next door & the card says ‘Penelope’ but it’s ok I love them😍
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
Dentist: *gives me numbing shot before my 7th root canal* I’ll be back with-
Me: Yes, I know…the drill.
Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE
Got kicked out of a museum today for bringing a painting to the front and asking, “how much is this one?” It’s like they don’t want any help during a pandemic.
Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”
Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.
Selena Gomez’s friend gave her a kidney and Meghan Markle’s friend set her up with a prince and I’m not saying I’m ungrateful for my friends but I am saying that they really need to step it up
[commercial for babies]
*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*
Narrator: don’t you hate this?
No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.
Irony:
My overweight dog can convince you she has completed 28 days on “Survivor” and NEEDS your sandwich just by staring at you.
And you believe her.
Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.
There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.
I’ll bet my mom’s up in heaven right now, smiling, thinking, “Wow, it was really nice of them to let me out of hell for the day.”
Me, first week of school: I packed you a healthy lunch.
Me, one month later: They’re serving mini-corn dogs & pudding, you want school lunch today?
Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
[at the gym]
GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.
“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
These baby cardinals are thugs. They muscle all the other birds away from the feeder. I saw one put out a cigarette in a blue jay’s eye.
The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.
#gardening
*sees baby*
*crouches down, does some cute baby talk*
*no reaction from baby*
*stands up slowly*
You’ve made a powerful enemy today, baby
Years ago, the woman who would one day be my wife asked me to be her date to a friend’s wedding. On the ride home, she asked me for my thoughts about the ceremony. I said it was actually really nice. She then looked at me lovingly & said, “don’t get any ideas.”
I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.
Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.
8 is addicted to the iPad and he asked where it was at tonight and I said it’s in my car in the garage. He said ok and then I said hopefully the dead woman that lives in the garage won’t get him. Now we’re about to find out how much he wants it.