Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.
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I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.
Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite
I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing
“i just followed a pigeon on TikTok,” i say to you as you are in the room with me but you are an alien from space and don’t understand and say “what?” and i point to my phone and say “i subscribed to a pigeon on my phone” and you’re like “ok? is it coming here?”
Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*
“Miss Yates, why didn’t Sam and Frodo just use the eagles to fly the ring to Mount Doom?” – Ted Cruz.
[Jurassic Park]
kid: What do you call a blind dinosaur?
me: What?
kid: Do-you-think-he-saurus
me *pushes him out of the tree*
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up when I’m choking on a piece of popcorn*
It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
When a child tells you that they have to go potty, you’re about five minutes from too late.
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor
We were watching The Discovery Channel on the couch.
I was naked.
She was afraid.
I guess I should have probably introduced myself first.
alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔
This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in
Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.
[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…fish: yeah this happens a lot
6yo: *sprays perfume on brother’s head*
4yo: it’s ok, I like it
me:
4yo: except for the smell
Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.
A dog catcher implies the existence of a cat dogcher.
“Well can I at least pop home quick and get changed?”
-Me, getting my mugshot taken in my Chewbacca onesie
My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her
nervously i bag my groceries in plastic while a giant melting iceberg waits in line behind me
CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]
Me: Don’t you hate it when you walk into a room but don’t remember why you’re there?
Executioner: Ugh the WORST
[running into my high school math teacher in 7-11 parking lot]
him: hey what’s up
me: oh just going to the [nervous glance at store sign] -4
the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word
I don’t like coconut so I don’t eat coconut. I don’t follow coconut around criticizing its texture or taste or tweets or sense of humor.
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.