My daughter is angry that I won’t let her eat icicles hanging off our house, like I’m some kind of monster for denying her a gutter sucker.
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OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON
“Hellman is sick. His sodium level is high and he’s dehydrated.”
“Omg. Where is he now???”
“He’s at the Mayo Clinic.”
FUN FACT: next time you ask someone to pass a roll of toilet paper to you under a bathroom stall door gently grasp their hand and challenge them to a thumb war. They legally have to accept.
venmo me $5 and i will find your ex’s hottest photo and start an argument in the comments about new york vs chicago pizza for some reason
[during home renovation]
My spouse, screaming: There’s a dead body in the walls!
Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.
Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.
Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!
My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.
Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.
Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?
Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back
I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead
Me: Alexa, will you be my Valentine?
Alexa, robotically: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
An evil villain is on the loose
Ant-Man: Yellowjacket again?
[giant kid with magnifying glass emerges]
Ant-Man: You gotta be kidding me
I was in the park vaping in a tree when skateboard punk yolo teens called me “poor,” but jokes on them — I make hundreds of dollars a year.
It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day
I didn’t see San Andreas because I heard there’s not a scene where a therapist tells the seismologist, “It’s not your fault.”
I hope Alan is OK
friend: don’t worry so much
me: omg why what will happen
Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.
Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.
[working from home]
8:00am: wake up
8:30am: eat cereal
8:30-noon: can’t remember
noon: open laptop
noon-12:15pm: let laptop “do its thing”
12:15pm: complete one (1) sit-up
12:30pm: neck hurts from sit-up
1:00pm: apply for worker’s comp
I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down
[invention of baseball]
Guy: I’ll throw the ball
Me: and I catch it
Guy: no hit it with a stick
Me: then what?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: what if I miss?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: you could just say you don’t want to play catch with me dad
Please keep my baby in your thoughts. I wouldn’t let her pull the carbon monoxide detector off the wall and no greater tragedy has ever befallen a child in time past.
Friend: What’s that you’re reading?
Me: “How to Lose Weight By Eating Anything You Want”
Friend: Wow! If you don’t mind my asking, how much have you lost?
Me: $24.99.
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
Satan: welcome to hell, know why you’re here?
Me: I regularly quoted mov-
Satan: YOU REGULARLY QUOTED MOVIES YOU HADN’T SEEN, SOOO OBNOXIOUS
whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.
*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*
CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?
GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!