Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..
I don’t need that kind of negative talk..
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Mafia Boss: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Fishes: we’re not sleeping with this nerd
Me: um technically the plural is *fish*
Jesus: the bread is my body
Judas: *cutting carbs* I see
Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.
Strawberry jam: hi i’m strawberry jam
Blueberry jam: hi i’m blueberry jam
Raspberry jam: hi i’m raspberry jam
Orange jam: BoNjOuR, you may call me MARMALADE
Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
*literally any business fails*
journalist: ahh yes, the millennials
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.
Me: *wearing my Burger King crown
Passport photographer: No
Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning
Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur
Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.
Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated
Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
*lights a scented candle in my house
*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother
Please watch those candles
her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job
Gonna get “na na na na na na na na” tattooed on my forearm. I’ll tell girls it’s Hey Jude and I’ll tell dudes it’s the Batman theme.
I remember when I could put my shoes on standing up and had that one legged balancing act perfected. It was one Saturday back in 1994, but I remember it.
Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help
had a weird insomnia so i put on a movie (Interstellar). i loved it. it made me cry twice and gave me the chills once but it absolutely didn’t help me sleep
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.
Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.
It’s a plant shaped like an egg.
EGGPLANT!
It’s a place where we make fire.
FIREPLACE!
Diving in the sky.
SKYDIVING!Humans are creative.
Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.
I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.
This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.
i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.
[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]