I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.
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if you save that one free donut u get everyday after getting vaccinated, by the end of the year that’s enough donuts to open your own shop but y’all don’t see the vision
[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright
doctor: how often do you exercise
me: does sex count
doctor: yes
me: twice a day
doctor: with other living ppl?
me: why would you specify living
doctor: just answer
me: no I don’t exercise
I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.
13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?
Me, knows exactly where it is: No.
When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn’t have toilet paper with aloe.
PLEASE HELP MY BIOLOGY TEACHER ASKED WHATS THE OPPOSITE OF “DOMINANT” AND I CONFIDENTIALLY ANSWERED “SUBMISSIVE” TO THE WHOLE CLASS
The young witch sat atop her brand new Roomba and flew into the air.
*bumps into tree*
*turns*
*bumps into stop sign*
*turns*
Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
“I can’t lie to you”
You suck at lying, don’t blame that shit on me
“Be there in 5,” I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor.
#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women
Rocket scientist: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Brad Pitt: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Guy who has a car: I’m gonna try my luck
First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos
12 called me when he was out last week. i answered and he seriously goes “hi. this is seth. your son”. does he already think i have dementia? or worse..DO I AND I DON’T KNOW IT?
When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.
Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”
ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?
Me: Sometimes I think I have more imaginary conversations than real ones.
Scarlett Johansson: That’s very interesting.
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.
Me: Well hello again. I knew you’d be back. I seem to have that effect on people
Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave
Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.
Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song
If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.
**both sitting at the pub having a beer**
Me: So. What’d you give up for Lent?
Friend: I gave up drinking.
Me:
Friend:
Me: No.
Friend: I gave up drinking standing up?
Me: Nicely done.
Friend: We should do shots to celebrate….
I feel seen
When people write, “your dumb,” maybe it’s not a typo–they just mean stupidity belongs to you. “Here’s your dumb now leave.”
my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated
Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen