a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected
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My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
[touring our solar system]
alien: so they named all their planets after their gods?
guide: all but one
alien: what’s better than gods?
guide: *checks notes* dirt
Does anyone ever finish a jar of Vaseline? I’m still working on the one my great-grandpa passed down to me.
At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?
They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:
Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.
Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days
Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms?
Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks*
*Spends night making balloon animals
“Hear me out. I know the cookies are a solid fundraiser, but picture this… mobile margarita truck!”
– and that was the last time I was on the planning committee for the local Girl Scouts.
What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end
College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?
Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY
Quick shout-out to @funTweeters. The “aggregators” and “parodies” could learn a thing or two from this account. It’s aggregation done right.
Mom, look at my diarrhea.
— My 5yo holding up the diary I bought him at his school’s Scholastic book fair
Toddler: [Crying] Daddy, my chocolate ran away.
Me: Oh no, where did it go?
Toddler: [Points in his mouth]
COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.
My wife refuses to hire a housekeeper bc *checks notes* she doesn’t want them to see this mess.
You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.
Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.
Just not with each other, obviously.
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.
This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.
Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked
Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”
*adds Amazon wishlist link to bio*
Me: And now we wait
[2 days later] *nothing*
[1 week later] *still nothing*
[2 weeks later] Kids: Dad, we’re really hungry now
Me: I said, we wait!!!
*gets to hell*
[In earshot of Satan] I HATE ICE CREAM AND WATCHING TV, DAMN THAT WOULD BE REAL TORTURE FOR ME. OH AND BEER, I ALSO HATE BEER
[at parent-teacher night]
Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler*
I see you’re a coffee enthusiast, tooMe: Coffee? Oh…yeah, coffee*wink*
I’m rubber. You’re glue.
I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.
*11pm*
me: Good night
brain: Good night
*11:05pm*
brain: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?
Kids: Why does dad still have to go to work if this virus thing is so serious?
Him: I’ve been working from home this whole week
Me: They haven’t looked up from their iPads since Monday