Just remember, you can’t please everyone.
So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.
You Might Also Like
A hexagon is what Mario says when he frees himself from a curse
origin story of all Disney villains:
“omg if I hear ONE more person singing today-“
[7 peaking around kitchen looking at stuff]
Me: What’s the matter, what are you looking for?
7: Can you keep it down, you’re cooking too loud and I can’t hear the TV
trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month
The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.
Received some very disappointing news today
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.
TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…
You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs
I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.
Me: hey what’s this weird lump?
WebMD: could be cancer.
Me: it’s a raisin stuck to my elbow…
WebMD: you have two weeks.
[date]
“don’t let her know ur from twitter”
Her: whats wrong?
Me: This fork only has 3 prongs
Her: So?
Me: it should be called a threek
Monogrammed towels are good for when you know how to spell your last name but sometimes get stumped on the first letter
Manslaughter. The sound of a man laughing?
This is a fact based meme 😏😂
Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”
Thanks to feminine hygiene advertising, I expected my first period to come out blue.
Imagine my surprise when it was bright green.
The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look
She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car
Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?
Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.
Gramps: *on deathbed* I feel like Im forgetting someth- *dies*
[2 yrs later]
Me: *knocking water outta my ears**quarter falls out*
Me: I’ve installed a sensor to let me know when there’s any social awkwardness in the air
Michael Cera:
Sensor: *bursts into flames*
Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.
The French cow says MEUX…
never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape
it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop
First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.