pep talk
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Friend: Don’t be nervous about your interview, just act like you already have the job!
*2 hours later*
Friend: So, how did your pilot interview go?
Me: *sirens blaring as police chase me down in my stolen helicopter* NOT GREAT STEVE
Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist
Considering teaching a whole seminar solely on this tweet
Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.
A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”
My ex did that thing where if I made a joke, he’d repeat it louder & try to take credit for it. So I started sharing incorrect facts with him which he’d blindly believe & repeat to others. He tried to convince his boss that tofu was made from recycled erasers. His boss was vegan.
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
angel: sir, we’ve invented daylight
God: it’s so harsh, you can see every little imperfection. How do you expect people to procreate?
angel: we also invented tequila
Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
Losing your spouse can be hard.
But it’s not impossible.
Today is the 30 yr anniversary when I was single and my hot boss called me into his office so I spritzed on some perfume then went and he looked deep into my eyes
and asked if I was available Valentine’s Day and I said YES and he said, “Cool I need you to work that day.”
Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
(first date)
Her: I love Star Trek
Me: Me too!
Her: What’s your favourite part?
Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!
Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?
How can kids be so dumb and so brilliant at the same time? My son can’t say “oatmeal,” but he calls it “eatmeal” before I serve it and “atemeal” once he’s done.
My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”
Welcome to your 40s. You ask your spouse for the name of the next street because you can’t read the sign yet, but they can’t read it either. For the next several minutes you’re engaged in a heated competition to see whose eyesight is worse.
[Stock market crashes]
“Oh no, I better check on my investments!”
*opens cupboard over top of the sink*
[1000s of Shrek dvds fall out]
“It’s impossible.” said pride. “It’s risky.” said experience. “It’s pointless.” said reason. “Ggrraadrttgrrtrr.” said Chewbacca.
WIFE: I’m pregnant
ME: oh god no
WIFE: I’m kidding
ME: I heard you the first time
Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.
Sometimes I look at my dog and get a little jealous, wondering why nobody ever tells me I’m a good girl when I take a sh*t outside
How to run faster:
1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start runningYou’re welcome
I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.
a rare painting of a dragon eating spaghetti
academia has you beefing with someone 3k miles away who is also one of only 4 people on earth who likes the same stuff as you
ENTER PASSWORD
> bench85
PASSWORD TOO WEAK. TRY AGAIN.
> bench285
BRO!
If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.
Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*
a restaurant that rubs your shoulders while you eat mashed potatoes