*Husband forgets to close screen on door*
*4 hrs later*
Me: *feels furriness on my leg in bed*
*rolls over*
Squirrel: *stares*
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New mindset, who dis?
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We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.
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Me: No, you don’t.
3: To tie up bad guys.
She needs a scarf.
Self-cleaning conscience
Me: Bedtime in 5 minutes!
8yo: *Begins the single most complicated crafting project of her lifetime thus far*
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
IT: So you were hacked? What’s your login?
Me: KENNY…and my password is….
IT: FOOTLOOSE
Me: Wow…How did you know?
IT:
[squirrel meeting]
Chief Squirrel: everyone, I suspect someone among us is an infiltrator
Owl: hoo
Chief Squirrel: (solemnly) that’s what we’re trying to find out Owen
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Dear Starbucks:
The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.
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Son: *groggily* What’s updog?
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Dad (from hallway): OWNED
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Friend: [rubs my shoulder] Aw, honey, your life isn’t over. It’s just beginning!
Me: *sobs even harder
make parties more interesting by telling strangers “I want you to know that I personally have no problem with you being here”
VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!
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Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
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Anyone else: Oh wow, great job!
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Her: I have a pug named Piglet-
Me: [motioning waiter for check] I’d like to go meet him rn
If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper