Sometimes I’ll take such a good picture of someone I’m like “this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral.”
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“if you had to pick only one musical group to strand on a desert island, which would be the most appropriate to do that to?”
“maroon 5”
Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.
I’ll be the one at the office Christmas party, waiting patiently near the exit, so I can be the second person to leave.
I have some bad news. I was experiencing some symptoms and got myself checked. It’s as I feared.
I tested positive for being brown.
I am going to learn to astral project or I’m going to sleep trying.
My 4 year old daughter found a set of handcuffs in the bedroom. How the hell she found them I don’t know. She asked me why they were there. I said they were for when Daddy had been naughty he had to wear them. She repeated this to her Grandparents. Absolutely mortified.
My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches
Me: I don’t want to dwell on that.
My brain: OK, let’s put a pin in it and circle back later. Is 3 a.m. good for you?
Increase your odds of your pickup lines working by adding “and there’s pizza” at the end.
Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting
My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.
[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]
Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess.
Murderer: I didn’t do nothin’
Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.
My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
Freddie Mercury: “Hey Brian, what rhymes with scaramouche?”
Brian May: um… Fandango?
Freddie: “Perfect!” *snorts another line of coke*
You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.
I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene
Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band
Her: N*SYNC?
Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator
Are “authorities” ever not ” baffled?”
I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.
DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now
ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome
My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.
Pretty sure they’re naming prescription drugs by just grabbing random Scrabble tiles.
“Ask your doctor if Qdilrox is right for you.”
“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”
– Garfield of Dreams
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
Me: I spent HALF as much as YOU usually do on groceries.
Wife: Congratulations.
[2 hours later]
Me: We have nothing to eat in this house.
*8YO arguing*
Me: I‘ll call Santa, right now and tell him…
8YO: Well I’ll call the PTA to volunteer you …
Me: You win
not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus
My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.