me: genocide is bad
guy: i totally agree, but just to play devil’s advocate, what if it’s actually good?
me: it’s not
guy: *pulling out pre-prepared notes* no i totally hear you, but actually it is
me: a-are those laminated
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*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?
You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.
Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race
Jesus: LOL
*Walks 500 miles
*Walks 500 more
*Is the guy who falls down at your door
*Knocks
*Gets no answer
*Realizes he should have called first
Is this one haunted?
“No”
What about that one?
“Ma’am, none of the booze is haunted”
What kind of wine and spirits store is this?!
Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.
Picture this. You’re blind folded. Sandra Bullock tells you not to look. You look. You’re surrounded by garbage and dirty socks. But how can this be? It smells amazing? This is a febreeze commercial.
It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.
Mathematics was simple until they added English to it
PRISON GUARD: (shines the spot light on me as I scale the fence) I can’t believe he hasn’t dropped his ice cream.
*paints car camouflage*
*stops making payments*
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.
Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?
Eating chips and watching TV annoys me because of the loud crunching noise. Then I realize I’m eating chips and watching TV and I’m not annoyed anymore.
My husband thinks The Bachelor show is fake, they’re all there to be actors, and that it’s total bullshit.
Then he turned to wrestling.
spider: sup
me: omg stay away
spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider
me: there’s good spiders?
spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you
Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?
Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.
My son asked my 7yo how she would survive a bear attack and she replied she would try to be his friend, thus making her the most adorable of my children but also the least likely to survive an encounter with an actual bear.
*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink*
WHERE DOES THE ARCHIVED MICROSOFT OUTLOOK EMAIL GO.
[ DEATH CERTIFICATE ]
Cause of Death: Sent girlfriend Eye Roll Emoji
Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?
My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.
PHILOSOPHY MAJOR: humanity is at risk
STEM MAJOR: because global warming is affecting sea levels
ENGLISH MAJOR: is it affecting or effecting
“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
We need to put an American base on the sun
Star Wars spoiler: Ross and Rachel end up together in the end.
5-year-old: Can I borrow a dollar?
Me: You don’t have a job. How will you pay me back?
5:
Me:
5: I’ll borrow another dollar.
Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.