surgeon 1: open mike night tonight
surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time
surgeon 1: haha
surgeon 2: haha
Mike: what
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After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
me: I wish I knew how to make you less angry
her: you could start by just listening to me once in a-
me: I mean I’ll do anything
her: I just said you can lis-
me: anything at all
Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.
[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today
“is everything alright?”
[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no
I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs
Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.
I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club
When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting
I’m get sick of hearing people bitch about $8 beers. $15 parking and a $20 cover charge. If you don’t like the prices , stop coming to my house
Sloth is a deadly sin and an animal.
How come we don’t have animals named after the other deadly sins?
I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.
#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women
[Deli]
Me: can I get a children’s sub
Employee: sure thi-
Elon Musk: move over I got this
Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*
Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!
God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo
you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.
If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.
[walking into a gym]
me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories
If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.
*adds Doritos to wedding registry*
Wanna get rich?
Buy my book, ‘How to Get Stupid People on the Internet to Send You $39.95’ for only $39.95.
After hand washing your cat, put up to dry
[walks up to guys playing basketball]
“mind if I join?”
you any good?
Hell yeah I’m good. Toss me the orange sphere
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
technically true but not a great slogan
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
PATIENT: I’ve been so stressed out lately. What can I do?
DR DOG (tail wagging like crazy): Studies show that petting dogs relieve stress
Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.
[at work]
me in my 20’s: I DONT NEED LUNCH I HAVE MOTIVATION AND AMBITION TO ENERGIZE ME
me now: listen, if i don’t eat lunch at this exact second i will actually die