In case you haven’t checked Facebook,
It’s hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!
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that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
i have locked myself in the bathroom. do not ask me how it happened. because i don’t have that information. hopefully. my stuffed fren sebastian. has already called. the proper authorities
Just a phase…
I don’t even like sleep, it’s just the only way I can eat spiders
Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back
There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.
I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful
You could do like my granny does when she loses a pet. Sticks it in the freezer.
I almost thawed out poppy the parrot once thinking it was chocolate mint ice cream
Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth
Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!
T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!
T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…
Executioner: Any last words
Me: No, I’m –
My boss, running full speed: WAIT WAAIIIITTTT *gasping* I need you on this conference call
6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?
[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind’s really pickin up
God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”
Angel: We’re out of human heads.
God: “Hand me a pineapple.”
Seeing cover letters that say things like “since I was 4 it’s always been my dream to work as a staff accountant for your organization” and I’m like ok my goal at 4 was to live in a gingerbread house you’re hired.
Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.
Everyone else: hold my beer
Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit
In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
If you’re afraid of a book’s influence on the young, banning or burning it is foolish. Assign it in an English class and you will destroy it within a generation.
me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size
wife: is that danny devito
Dear Ninja Turtles,
Why are you wearing masks? There are no other giant, mutated turtles. No one’s gonna mistake a different turtle for you.
I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.
Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.
Always end a conversation with “gotta run” so people think you’re into fitness
One minute you are young and carefree, the next minute you eat a cucumber after 6 PM and your digestive system is like, “absolutely not.”
wife: omg what are you doing?
me: wrapping presents
wife:
me:
wife: IS THAT ALUMINUM FOIL?!
Bad joke of the day:
How do dog catchers get paid?
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By the pound.