how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840
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If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car’s extended warranty.
The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary
Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?
I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.
[finding a secret passage in my NYC-apartment that leads to a corpse-filled torture dungeon]
HOLY SHIT LOOK AT ALL THIS EXTRA SPACE I HAVE!
Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks
[ikea date]
him: let’s go check out the beds 😉
me: *mouthful of meatballs* they sell furniture here?
I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler
Me: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Dan from the next cubicle: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Why do we call them “restrictions,” anyway? Do you look at a life-jacket and think “there’s my drowning restriction”?
Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.
My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.
Woman 1: you sure the left half is fine?
Woman 2: I honestly have no preference, really
Woman 1: cool ♥️ I’ll take the right, please
King Solomon: *sweating*
people complain a lot about the airport but i find it pretty hard to criticize a community that so strongly embraces breakfast pizza and sleeping on the ground
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
Her: I chose you for your brains
Me: aww
Her: in case I ever become a zombie
Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”
A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD
[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
Rhythmic banging against the wall, his hands grasping the sheets. Unable to get what he needs, he gets out of bed to turn off the Roomba.
A childless co-worker just told me that he hasn’t been sick in 5 years
Meanwhile, I’m a dad of 3 living in a bubbling cauldron of plague-infested boogers, pee, and sick-vapor.
Sooooo……I don’t want to kill the guy
But should I sneeze on him just for fun?
That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.
My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.
Why did a spider just crawl out of the pants that I’ve been wearing all day?
WHY DID A SPIDER JUST CRAWL OUT OF THE PANTS THAT I’VE BEEN WEARING ALL DAY?!
Obama: Get Air Force One ready.
Biden: OK! *runs off*
Obama: The plane, not the movie.
*Biden does 360*
Biden: Yeah I know.
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes