Boss: You need to work on your puncuality.
Me: Sorry, but commas, are hard, to place.
Boss: ….?
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he looks great for his age
Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.
Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.
Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?
Stranger: He’s over there!
Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]
[camping]
me: why can’t i find any animals
wife: the wildlife is very conservative here
deer: climate change is a myth
Causes of childhood anxiety:
4% Bullying
9% Inability to puncture a Capri Sun pouch
87% Musical Chairs
Friend: have you ever been to Norway?
Wife: sadly no.
Friend: why not?
Wife: my husband said we can’t afford it.
Me: that’s not what I said.
Wife:
Friend:
Wife: [sigh] he said we can’t afjord it.
The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.
When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.
6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?
Me: um…
6: when plants die can they be ghosts?
Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.
You are what you eat? I’m about to become sandals
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
I hear you like horror movies
You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off
*winks forever*
I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”
dad: I can’t find my glasses, can you read what this says for me?
me: “Dad do you want to go to Home Depot”
dad: [voice catching] Sure son
The only equipped I am is ill.
People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?
[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]
Me: Wow, you used to be hot
Wife: *death glare*
Me: …but not as hot as you are now
😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪
Reasons my toddlers cried this weekend:
-It stopped raining outside
-My wife asked them if they wanted to go to the playground
-I took the “wrong” bite of my sandwich
-I helped my 4 y/o for to many minutes
Him: “Can we have a Doritos themed wedding?” Me: “no.” Him: “well, what kind of chips would you prefer?”
podcasts
*in the front row of a James Blunt concert raising a sign that says THANK YOU every time he sings the words ‘You’re Beautiful’
When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt
When a fancy lady told me she was from an upscale neighborhood, I stared at her, mouth agape and said, ‘Oh shit! I’m so sorry. Are you okay?’ She didn’t like that at all.
Me: Goodnight angel.
9: Tomorrow I need a short red wig and dress like Ed Sheeran for spirit day.
normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes
If u think ur parents did nothing for you, remember Jackie Shrof named his son Tiger and Bappi Da named his son Bappa. Respect your parents
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.
They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.