You get to choose which path you take.
I see some of you have chosen the psychopath.
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Kurt Cobain: come as you are, as you were, as I want you to be
Me: in a duck costume
Kurt Cobain: not like that
Him: When I break something, I fix it… you should try this sometime.
Me: Uhhh I take the kids to therapy thank you very much.
So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.
I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.
Wow your dad must be a rich man.
No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.
[FIRST DAY AS A NUDE MODEL]
INSTRUCTOR: Sir, we need you to take off your socks.
ME: (chuckles) Oh, sorry.
INSTRUCTOR: (clears throat) All three of them.
Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face
picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?
Me: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Dan from the next cubicle: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?
Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.
I like to call those people liars.
When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.
[interview at Bass Pro Shops]
So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: *dressed in camouflage* Wait, you can see me?!
My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.
[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”
Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.
I no longer dislike Mondays, i’m mature now… I dislike the whole week.
I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.
A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.
I can’t decide if it’s amazing or terrifying that my two oldest children managed to stop arguing long enough to come up with a secret handshake.
How many police tv shows or movies have you heard them say the person was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital, but the police NEVER suspect the E.M.T.
Just sayin.
“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat
Bought a dozen stamps today so my kids can expect 11 stamps as part of their inheritance
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
My mom wants to see 50 Shades of Gray with me… I screamed, “OH HELL NO” and suggested we see Cinderella instead.
Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too
Me: If you could sleep with —
Wife: Ryan Reynolds!
Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.