man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.
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Am I pissed my dad’s been gone for 25 years going to the store for “cigarettes”? Probably not as pissed as he is. The line must be out of control.
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.
[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)
Cashier: Next
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again
Me: okay yeah, cool Wu Tang shirt bro, bet you can’t even name one song.
6 month old baby: ……..
My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..
temp agency: can you do retail
lizard: yes
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
there are only 2 generations:
-America’s Funniest Home Videos
-Tik Toks
Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?
My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
teen me: I just wanna find a girl who’s nice and pretty and smart and kind
40s me: who wants to get freaky with mayonnaise, no weirdos
HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive
I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.
Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep
Her: What superpower would you choose?
Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.
If you tell me your deepest, darkest secrets, I promise I won’t tell anyone. Unless it will make me look important or interesting or funny.
The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.
(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)
And another thing!
[using Ouija Board]
“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”
Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death
Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.
me: this used to be a Pizza Hut, you can always tell no matter what they turn it into
prison guard: no talking after lights out
Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]
Me: ya know you can fly !