My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.
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Man: I’d like to buy a fur coat please
Clerk: Sorry sir, this is a pet store
Man: I’d like to buy 200 gerbils please
I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”
That’s it. I’m done with people.
waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
DAUGHTER, AGE 6: My legs are running away from the ghosts of my feet!
ME: Ha ha, you’re so silly
[later]
ME: *waking her up at 2am* Sweetie, Daddy has several questions
My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!
Me: oh cool what are they?
Grandma:
All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.
Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.
How do I know it will be a full moon tonight?
Exhibit A and Exhibit B.*points to 2 ferocious beasts who keep calling me “mom”*
Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!
[ Police interrogation room ]
Perp: I ain’t telling you shit.
Bad cop: We have ways to make a smooth criminal talk.
Thriller cop: You look like a pretty young thing.
Perp: I moisturize. Still ain’t telling you shit.
Buck naked
Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife
Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are
“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”
They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy
An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
me: i’ll have the mouse for dessert
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: hmm, that’ll be too much
When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.
[after explaining speed limit signs]
5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits
My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever
Everybody: Jurassic Park is a terrible idea and we are all gonna die violently
John Hammond: You have no vision
[Later, everyone is dead]
John Hammond: The important thing to remember is this is nobody’s fault and none of us could have predicted this
I’m only seeing the new Jurassic Park if the dinosaurs aren’t a metaphor for anything. Don’t want to look at a stegosaurus and have to think about neoliberalism or the modern surveillance state
Write a suicide note on Facebook and they try to talk you out of it.
Write a suicide note on Twitter and they correct your grammar.
This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now
My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”
Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.
sumtimes i go 2 hard tho