Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair
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How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.
him: I’m like the potato of people
me: lumpy
him: no, I-
me: covered in dirt
him: god dammit
I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.
Especially if you don’t know them.
God: Imagine there’s no heaven, it’s easy if you try
Angel: wait and lose this job security? In this economy?
Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?
Dorothy: We have to see the wonderful Wizard of Oz
Toto: OK but I wouldn’t make a song and dance about it
Dorothy: [inhaling]
Toto: FFS
Doing squats. And by that I mean I’m in the squat position. But really the couch is holding me up. I’m sitting on the couch.
I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.
Reasons my toddlers cried this weekend:
-It stopped raining outside
-My wife asked them if they wanted to go to the playground
-I took the “wrong” bite of my sandwich
-I helped my 4 y/o for to many minutes
What is your favorite movie where Tom Cruise runs really fast?
Going to put on a flowing gown and rush up to hikers in the forest, grab their hands and place a gold ring there before uttering “keep it safe” and running away like I’m being chased
I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.
Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
My ex-wife and I broke up over religious differences. I was agnostic and she was Satan.
*puts stethoscope up to chest*
Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen
“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”
*Im in the bushes giggling*
I came back from the grocery store with a bag of fresh vegetables and when my wife asked what I’d bought I said it was a bag full of good intentions
I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.
that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala
coworker relationships are so bizarre like i wouldn’t acknowledge you in public but i def know all about how your great aunt poisoned your great uncle for a life insurance payout.
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in mathematics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: minus one
WIFE: I’m pregnant
ME: oh god no
WIFE: I’m kidding
ME: I heard you the first time
BOSS: Can I see you in my office?
INVISIBLE-MAN: [sigh] I don’t know how many more ways I can explain this to you
I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…
Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.
Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted
me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact