i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon
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ME: Is this Babies R Us
CASHIER: Yes
ME: No babies work here
C: I know
ME: It should be called Babies Were US
C: …
ME: Get me your manager
if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend
If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.
Mike Tyson’s apartment building
I backed my car away from the intersection so a jogger could run by and they waved at me THREE times.
In my head, we are now married and have two children, Charles and Ariel.
I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
me trying to get a bartender’s attention
I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.
The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home
Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.
wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?
me: she thought she could fly
wife: did you yell at her?
me: of course! I screamed “FLAP HARDER” but she didn’t listen
ATTENTION MEN: STOP BUYING YOUR GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS AND PERFUME FOR VALENTINE’S DAY AND GET HER WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS. A SWORD
[firing squad]
Captain: Any last words?
Prisoner: Why, yes. I’d like to speak with you for a moment about gun control.
ants in the garden ? Run a hose from your bbq gas cylinder and put it into the ants nest and turn it on, just a little, removed hose and carefully light the hole… what could possibly go wrong??
My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
Me: Sorry, I pretended I was driving through a tunnel and couldn’t hear you when you started talking all romantic and shit.
Him: I was sitting right beside you. I think we need to talk about this.
M: keuuuuugh…shssssssh…weeeeeee
H: Still right beside you.
The asteroid..
How do I raise my kids? Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it?
Autocorrect is my menesis
Next time you let someone here affect your real life, tell a stranger “I’m mad at some online person I’ve never met” then let them punch you
Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”
Debugging is like being the detective in a crime where you are also the murderer. Following the clues of an idiot
Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!
…and other things I never said before having kids
Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.
Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*
America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.
Took my kids to the travel clinic in preparation for Thailand/Japan trip. Nurse told them they needed a typhoid shot. 10 asked dead serious, “Do we need a Japanphoid shot too? I love him 😂
COP: You seen an escaped evil octopus?
ME: No
COP: [looks up] Nice chandelier
ME: Thanks
COP: Why is it wet?
ME: Um
COP: And holding 8 guns?
My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.
Found a fly on his back by my keyboard. So dead. So sad. Put a cocktail umbrella by his head. Now he looks like he’s suntanning.