Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
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“When I said Legos, I meant Roblox, but don’t worry about it. Santa knows what I meant.”
My 4YO, on the evening of December 23rd.
Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?
~people
turn-ons:
• eye contact
• people who pay attention to me
• people who know how to push my buttons
• oh god im a television
• how did this h―
just overheard someone on the train ask another passenger where they got their elf ears because they the perfect “sort of weirdly shaped but weirdly realistic pair” and folks, they were not elf ears
According to all these BMI charts…
I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.
If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.
ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house
If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.
I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.
If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now
It’s hard to walk away seductively in flip-flops.
Wife: Wow, I’m tired
Me: Go relax, give me the recipe and I’ll make dinner
[Five minutes later]
Me: Honey, I think we’re out of…”oven”?
Me *about to get hit by a bus*
OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER
God: bite into this onion like it’s an apple
Abraham: what?
Jesus: dude he gets like this sometimes, just do it
Abraham, biting the onion: ew gross
God: lol nice. Ok now sacrifice your son
Abraham: wtf
God: sacrifice yours & I’ll sacrifice mine
Jesus: sorry what
… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank
“Dad, where do babies come from?”
“Walmart.”
I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time
I read a description of my personality and it warned that I should be careful not to let myself fall into “hermit mode” and I’m like hermit mode sounds awesome how do I unlock hermit mode
Just a reminder that Jingle Bells makes it sound like some grand adventure but a one-horse open sleigh is literally the cheapest sleigh you can get.
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *
If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.
Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.
Microsoft Word is the most sensitive thing ever. You move something half an inch and all the pictures move, 3 new pages inserted, fire alarm goes, thunder and lightning, volcano erupts, stock market collapses
annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.
margaret really hates that.
So we can play bumper cars with an asteroid for funsies, but I do it once with a cop car and it’s a whole thing
Why is Gorgeous the only thing you can be Drop-Dead. I wanna be drop-dead silly. Let my enemies crumble before me, overcome by the depths of my whimsy
It’s okay, facial recognition. I don’t recognize myself anymore either.
How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown