seminar…
Me: *raising hand*
Speaker: Surely one of you has an intelligent question.
Me: *lowers hand*
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Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.
Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed
The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor
“There can only be one!” -Arab eyebrows
It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy
My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”
My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance
Judas: still on for Friday?
Jesus: Friday?
Judas: yeah, the last supper
Jesus: the what?
Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas
Him: You need to work on your communication skills
Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC
No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.
*opens kitchen drawer*
Me: Whoa, what’s with all the whisks?
Sir-Mix-a-Lot: Why you judgin me?
alcoholic: you drive me to drink
designated driver: ok
I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”
I’m at a bar with my old classmates for our 25th high school reunion. I shared a few facts about my friend with a random lady and gave her $20 to approach him and act like she’s part of the old gang. He’s been faking his way through it for 15 minutes now. Just like old times.
January 2020: New year, new me.
May 2020: *primal scream*
Wife: want to have sex?
Me: oh hell yeah.
Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.
30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.
[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
“Ptequila, pthanks.”
just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it
~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us
@funTweeters thanks so much!! 😘
the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments
Child: Can I borrow one of your shirts?
Me: Why?
Child: It’s School Spirit Week.
Me: And?
Child: Today is “Dress Like an Old Person Day.”
cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here
I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.
billionaire: we’re all in this together
everyone: you lost money too?
billionaire: haha no i am somehow richer
Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.