At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
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I just remembered the time I went on a first date to London Zoo and at the gate he asked if I would mind paying for my own ticket, which I said I would, at which point he pulled out a 2-for-1 voucher, so I paid for my ticket and he went in for free.
Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”
Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.
ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once
GIRL: holy cow how did you survive
ME: I fell off the bottom rung
[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.[at home]
Netflix: 🔀 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
What the hell happened here.
Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from
I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.
I wish the entire planet could come together as one and agree to refer to Kanye as Kanye Kardashian so we can bask in his shattered ego.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Talk about a time when a big project of yours didn’t work out as you hoped
ME: Well I got two English degrees
What do you get when you stick three kids and two adults with full time jobs in a house 24 hours a day for 6 months and then add in zoom school? A toddler who walks around all day shouting “Oh Dear God!”, apparently.
He isn’t credited for it but John C. McGinley competed on American Gladiators. There is no point in sharing this other than it being cool as hell.
How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?
[Traffic stop]
Cop: I’m gonna need to see your ID.
George Washington: *hands him a one dollar bill*
Cop: Bribery huh!? Ok, outta the car!
Are Millennials Destroying My Wife’s Favorite Lamp I Don’t Know How They Got in Either but I Definitely Wasn’t Practicing Karate in the Living Room so We Know It Wasn’t That
“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”
Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..
Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning
Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.
My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all
On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵
Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.
i hope my email finds you on fire
I’LL SAY WHEN I’VE HAD ENOUGH! KEEP ‘EM COMING, BARTENDER!!
*handing me another espresso*
The term is barista, ma’am.