Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
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[3 AM]
5yo: *sobbing* Daddy
Me: Ughhh..yes, sweetheart, what’s wrong?
5yo: I’m lonely…
Me: Then, don’t ever get married.
5yo: Ok, Daddy.
I’m giving up ice.
Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.
Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.
“When neighbors start talking, good things happen.” 🏡
Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!
therapist: and what is it about this generation that bothers you?
satan: i give them the intro tour and they just say shit like “ooo spooky lol”
therapist: that’s not so bad
satan: when i showed one girl the pit of everlasting flame, she sighed and said “big mood”
me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS
Cop – “Sir are your trafficking these children?”
Me – “No sir, they are my children.”
Cop – “ Then why are they screaming ‘HELP HELP, get me out!’ as loud as they can?”
Me – “Sorry, there was a fly in the car.”
Cop – “EWW, A FLY!!!”
I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.
One time a cute guy I liked mooned his friend as a prank but there was a tiny piece of toilet paper in his crack & it haunts me to this day
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
[trying to explain blenders to medieval peasants without them thinking I’m a witch]
Imagine a knife tornado that made it so you can drink fruit.
Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.
Using “Hello” as a greeting
– boring
– uninspired
– predictableUsing “Hiya” as a greeting
– casually playful
– conveys enthusiasm
– leaves door open for karate
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.
When the inventor of the USB stick dies they’ll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.
HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?
Alice: *falls into the rabbit hole*
White Rabbit: WROOOOOONG HOOOOOOOLE
I can’t stop watching this.
Me: can I see the dessert menu please?
Waiter: No. Not before you finish your vegetables.~family owned restaurants.
Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.
My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.
But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.
My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.
Me: Now do you believe me?
Wife: The fridge isn’t haunted.
Me: Then who made all that ice?
Wife: *walks away*
Me: WHO?!
[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion
Absolutely travel with kids. It’s important they experience begging to watch their iPad in new environments
I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.