A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich
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Picture the perfect woman.
Wrong.
You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.
Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself
I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.
Son: Being an adult is easier
Me: No way, childhood is
Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES
*Shooting star flies overhead*
Son: Wait this sucks
Me: No take backs
#StillHurts
*hears Christmas carolers*
Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.
wife: are you drunk?
me: define “drunk”
w: impaired by an excess of alcohol
m: define “excess”
w: yeah, you’re drunk
m: define “you’re”
My 5yo wrote the ABCs up and down his leg in permanent marker, it’s pretty much a kindergarten tattoo
Opening dryer:
Me: where’s the left sock?!
Parallel universe me: where’s the right sock?!
Other parallel universe me: extra pair again! Thank you, sock gods!
“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:
It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Can you answer a question?
Y E S
What’s the meaning of life?
L O O K B E H I N D Y O U
There’s nothing there.Oh.
[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right awaySecurity Guard: take the escalator
Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW
Getting straight “A”s does not guarantee success, but plenty of evidence shows that not getting “A”s doesn’t preclude it.
13 year old me: Mom says to always respect my elders.
33 year old me: You’re out of your damn mind if you think I’m taking orders from you, Aunt Janice, you Hufflepuff piece of shit.
I rinsed a big spider down my kitchen sink and then I put coffee grounds down. Now I’m worried a caffeine-fueled arachnid is going to leap out and come after me.
Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.
Find yourself some cake.
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?
It’s not 13.
[helping son prepare for first date]
“what if she doesn’t like it”
*stuffing handkerchiefs up son’s sleeve* be confident in your magic, son
I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
*looks up from pestle and mortar
“Powdering this baby is HARD!”
My 3 year old, who doesn’t notice her pants are inside out or that her shoes are on the wrong feet, can spot a diced onion in her food from 3 feet away
can we all agree that Mini Cooper drivers need to put an extended flag on the back of their cars so the stalls where they’re parked stop looking empty?
me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most