That pet Koala is like, “Ain’t y’all pets too?”
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“god has a plan for you” ok well i have some notes for him
Made a playlist for your weekend hike
God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.
I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.
Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?
Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine
Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough
My soulmate will be a man who quietly and without judgement watches me buy yet another new plant without mentioning the dozen he’s already seen me kill that week
I wish you were here with me baby
So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up
Here I was walking around having a good day when suddenly my 10yo asks ‘isn’t it weird that out of all the multiverses we live in the one where Spider-Man is a fictional character?’
[pharmacy]
“Can I help you?”
Yeah, could you recommend anything over the counter for this?
*lifts shirt to reveal 7 fresh gunshot wounds*
Sometimes I remember the child who approached my counter in the video shop, fell over and disappeared from view, pulled himself back up and said “this cat food’s weighing me down, man” before proceeding to pull five tins of whiskas out of his pockets
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
Someone taught my daughter how to craft 3D snowflakes and now she’s made so many that the inside of my home looks like it was in the path of an avalanche.
advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like “my client deserves more pay” and “my client is really good at his job” and “i love my client so much does he look taller?”
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
My favorite sport ? Lasagna
Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.
Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.
The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.
I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”
Tried to signal to my wife across the food court to buy me an extra McNuggets and now I’m in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named “Snake”.
Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you
I thought I was a decent driver, but while I was driving my 7-year-old comforted her crying baby sister by saying, “Don’t worry. You’ll get used to it.”
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: So I was wondering…*slowly finishes her drink*…if you’d like to see my bedroom
ME: Oh no thank you, I don’t have any interest in home decor[4 days later]
ME *spits out coffee* DAMN IT
*gets laser eye surgery*
“Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?”
I told you, that’s not what—
*i squint at him real hard but he’s right*
Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u
I just yelled, “1, 2, 3 mommy is lava!” and my kids ran away, leaving me to drink my coffee in peace. I’m pretty sure I’ve peaked for the day.
[fire]
EVERYONE REMAIN CALM.
Use the stairs.
DO NOT use the elevators.We’re on the 12th floor…
*sigh*
I guess I’m dying in a fire.
Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.
He didn’t know that balancing your knife on the edge of the sink means you may make a second sandwich, so now we have some serious talking to do.