THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any
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Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.
You know when you’ve taken your glasses off but it feels like they’re still on your head? I’m like that but with pants. I’ve literally just touched my head but my pants weren’t there.
My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.
[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
April 1st is the class clown of days.
[going 75 mph on the freeway with only forests on both sides of the road]
my phone: I found nine wi-fi connections to HP printers.
me: well I grew up without a dad and I turned out okay
cw: don’t u collect human teeth??
me: yeah but they’re not my teeth
[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are
DATING TIP: Pick up the check. Pick up the table. Pick up the chairs and the waitress and the bartender. Everyone loves upper body strength.
Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.
*Food arrives*
*Waits 3 days*
*Slowly takes bite of food*
*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*
HOW IS EVERYTHING??
Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.
Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.
In that case, silence is very very suspicious!
Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”
Potatoes:
For all the people who doubted me:
You were right
“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor
So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.
thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.
Fellow Black Friday shopper: I’m so excited! What are you trying to buy?
Me: oh I can’t afford anything, I’m hoping to be trampled to death
911, what’s your emergency?
Me (whispering): I’m holding a bagel in my right hand
Are you left handed?
No but I couldn’t use my right thumbprint to unlock my iPhone so I used the emergency button
Okay but why are you whispering?
I don’t want the killer to know I have a bagel
Dude just wanted a popsicle…
when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves
Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.
what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom
[pulled over]
Cop: Have you been drinking?
Me: No
Cop: *tosses me a sock* Stand on one foot and put this on
My kid sure is great at picking up Easter eggs for someone who suffers arm paralysis whenever I ask him to clean up his toys.
My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.
GENIE: u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish u had permanent irritable bowel syndrome
GENIE: *sweating* ha ha then again rules are meant to be broken
awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february