#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women
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A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.
Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.
Most googled search terms today
Before the eclipse: How to make my own cereal box viewer?
After: How to tell if my cornea is sunburned?
[squirrel meeting]
Chief Squirrel: everyone, I suspect someone among us is an infiltrator
Owl: hoo
Chief Squirrel: (solemnly) that’s what we’re trying to find out Owen
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: An ostrich.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a runnin’ bird.
ANGEL: I think you need a break dude
Don’t we all.
Them: “Dance like no one is watching.”
Me: *dances*
Them: “WTF is she doing? She knows we can see her, right?”
Me: She really needs to calm down.
Alcohol: You should tell her.
I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
Satan: Welcome to hell, where it’s hot and never not! Any questions?
Me: Yeah, where’s the second circle? They’re expecting me.
On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings
him: hey have you ever seen house
her: house?
him: yeah like doctor house
me, walking by: [helpfully] it’s called a hospital
I just battle rapped my 4 year-old and rhymed “take a nap” with “piece of crap” so don’t tell me about your parenting skills.
Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.
Got very excited when I saw that Mastodon was trending. Was quite disappointed to discover that it had nothing to do with prehistoric animals.
and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”
“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.
Haunted Houses this year are just gonna have the news on.
[doctor’s office]
ME: I’m here for my test results
[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]
DR: I have some bad news…
*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.
[Freddy Krueger enters my dream but I’m blasting Rebecca Black on repeat]
Who’s nightmare is it now Freddy?!
ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*
Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”
App: This app would like to use your location.
Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!
if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?
Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
cop: do you have a permit for this?
noah: god told me to build it
cop:
noah:
cop: is that true?
god: never seen this man before in my life
Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]