Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.
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Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
It’s hard to overstate the pressure and anxiety I feel when a stray ball comes onto the sidelines at my feet and the Pee-Wee coach and all the six-year olds look at me as if to say “surely you, a grown man, can accurately kick that ball back to the ref while everyone watches.”
*Pikachu dies*
Ghost of Pikachu: At least in death I’m allowed a respite from the technological prison that is a pokeball.
*ghostbusters arrive*
Handmaid’s TALE not Handmaid’s Handbook
My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”
I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.
I’ve decided I want a sad funeral. None of this upbeat “celebration of life” shit. I want sobbing, ppl vomiting w grief, at least 2 suicides
My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.
My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.
Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.
Daughter: Dad, did dinosaurs really exist?
Me: Yep.
D: But how can you be so sure of that?
M: I’ve seen them in museums
D: Really!! Didn’t know they had museums when dinosaurs were about.
other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun
me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread
Hey girls, you are not a “mommy” just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.
[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad
My ex recently asked me if I wanted to be “Friends with Benefits” which is so psycho like dude I am a woman in her 30s, you can’t ask me something like that….I absolutely do not want new friends.
*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn
Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”
Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”
LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!
My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.
[First date]
Her: I like bad boys.
Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.
What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir
Dear Abby,
How long should you feel obligated to date someone after they’ve given you the Heimlich?
Accidentally activated “vacation dad” by telling my husband there is construction on our way to the airport…we are now leaving at 3 am for a 5 pm flight. We live 20 mins away.
I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while
WIFE: how’s dinner
ME: these mashed potatoes are dank
WIFE: is that bad or good
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: I don’t know
At first I was afraid
I’d be electrified
I dropped a knife over my toaster now it’s trapped inside
& I spent oh so many minutes
Thinking how to right this wrong
The current’s strong
Will I be dead before too long?
Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.