My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured
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Let’s be thankful Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t making masks.
Me: But what will I eat?
Nutritionist: *provides me with a list of healthy foods*
Me:
Nutritionist:
Me: But what will I eat?
I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.
Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?
My brother in law sent us adorable Valentines from our 14 month old niece who we have never met (They live in Canada)
Her litlte red handprints are the card are so sweet…except it also kinda looks like she bathed in the blood of her enemies and then sent us a warning
Date: Do you go camping?
Me: Our ancestors evolved in order to give us pillow-top mattresses and flushing toilets. Why would I sleep outside?
When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.
*buying teacher’s gifts*
7: Mrs. J said she hates candles.
Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!
Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.
{Dark ally}
So how good are these drugs?*Dealer forcefully pulls me close*
“Ever just grab the right amount of hangers?”Wow. That’s good
JOB INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: yes its 7pts tall, separates two sections in a visually pleasing way, and aligns to a carefully proportioned grid
INTERVIEWER: no, i mean here where it says you didn’t work for two years
ME: i.. was designing my resume
surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now
Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally
Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese
Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime
Dolls on drugs
I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.
We’ve been sending transmissions into space for 100 years, so of course aliens avoid us. Earth is the douchebag at the beach blasting music on their bluetooth radio.
*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*
I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.
*goes in bank with finger guns*
This is a robbery!
“no one’ll take you seriously-”
*switches to double barrel finger guns*
“do what he says”
I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist
I’m a people person. I live in a house home where I enjoy food meals and listening to music songs.
Why buy the cow when you can get milk from almonds?
Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??
Aliens: WHY SHOULD HUMANITY BE SPARED?
Me: whoa ok, you guys have chosen the wrong dude to argue this case
*Spider exam: How to scare people out of their mind*
✘ Fly
✘ Breathe fire
✔ Sit still on the ceiling and mind your own business
What I thought was happening: a coworker handed me my vape bc I left it laying around
What was actually happening: my coworker was showing me her new vape which neither of us knew looked exactly like mine
What I did: said “oh thanks” and put it in my pocket
“I’ll take you for a walk when I’m damn well good and ready!” I say to my dog, defiantly putting on my coat, hat, gloves and scarf while grabbing her leash.
toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that