Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral
Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
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Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.
My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.
dispatch: we have a home invasion robbery in progress on the far side of the lake
rowboat cop: *grabs oar* I’ll be there in 6 hours
I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
*Mom Godzilla calls Godzilla during the morning*
Mom Godzilla: Are you eating your cities? Belfast is the most important meal of the day.
Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.
I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!
It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.
surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now
In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’
“So hell isn’t too bad,” I say from the podium. “I just keep teaching?”
“Actually…” said a demon
“Actually…” said another
“ACTUALLY…”
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*7:42 am
*gets out of bed*
*remembers it’s Saturday*
*smiles*
*lies back down*Dog: “Oh good, you’re up!”
Yeah I can fight, I’m professionally trained in the style of panic attack.
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
Let’s face facts, we all secretly suspected civilisation was just a phase.
Hi, I need to schedule a doctor’s appointment. Why? I’m down a few pounds and need it documented in my permanent record. I AM THINNER and won’t be ignored.
Every day Stephen King and I both:
1. Get up
2. Terrify People
3. Tweet
Me: If you love something you have to let it go.
Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese
How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life
My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
She said to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you….
~ Can you believe she walked out the Subway with an attitude!!
Me: How was school?
11-year-old: It was a normal day.
Me: So it was good?
11: I didn’t say that at all.
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
Well of course the supermassive black hole that will eventually annihilate our galaxy is a Sagittarius.
The Purge, but only for people who use their speakerphones in public.
[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]
– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside