*yells up to treehouse*
me: what are you girls doin?
them: *yells back* chattin and braidin!
me: *climbing up* WAIT ARE THOSE BOY’S NAMES, I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE
You Might Also Like
Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!
finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
The doctor said to me, “Do you know you have a serious problem vocalizing your emotions?”
I said, “I can’t say I’m surprised.”
I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?
me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
the three best gummy flavors, together at last
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole
i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)
Me: I’d like a nap please.
Domino’s employee: Ma’am, this is Domino’s.
Me: Ok one extra large nap and an order of cheesy bread.
give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.
Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.
In scandinavia they’re called fjarts
[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”
[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]
Me: Wow, you used to be hot
Wife: *death glare*
Me: …but not as hot as you are now
My 4yo asked for a skeleton to sleep in her room with her, in case you’re wondering the level of freak show I can inspire
I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]
Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?
Me: Virus?
I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
Good cop: u want a drink?
Good cop 2: I love your shirt
Good cop 3: ur so ripped dude
Good cop 4: the bad cops are striking today, handsome
The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.
dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
dad:
me: Are you crying?
Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.
(in starbucks) “i’ll take 450 lattes”
“thats $2,380”
(card declined) “DAMMIT just one then”
Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
Any room can be a room with a view if you are in it.
Amazed that my wife didn’t tell me that today our 8YO had a school field trip, for which both of us got multiple email reminders